One of the most heart-wrenching discussions for Christians is
"Can Christians divorce or remarry?"
Particularly for those in an awful marriage.
Particularly for those already divorced.
Particularly for those who have already remarried!
I believe the church started -- out of the compassion of their hearts -- to try to find a way around the 'rules.' Here are some things I've been told from loving, well meaning Christians:
"God's grace covers it all."
"You are a 'new man' in Christ."
"You became new in Christ when you got saved so it is like you were never married the first time."
"God forgives all."
"If your spouse cheated on you, it's okay to divorce and remarry."
"If your unbelieving spouse left you, you are no longer bound."
"It is under the blood of Christ."
"How you come into the church is how you stay."
But what does the BIBLE, our authority, the Word of the Living God, have to say about it? Do the scriptures those well meaning friends use in their consoling words apply to divorce and remarriage? Does anyone really want to take what our compassionate brothers and sisters in the Lord say about marriage and adopt that as our standard? Or do we want to know what God has to say about it? Do we want to walk in the will of Almighty God or do we want to make our lives easy? Do we want to walk in the will of Almighty God or do we want to twist the scriptures into saying what we want them to say in our situation?
So here are the hard facts:
There is no divorce for Christians. As Jesus said "From the beginning, this was not so." Since there is no divorce, there cannot be remarriage. The only way someone can marry a second time is if their spouse dies.
This is not easy to hear. Especially for those who are in relationships at this very moment. And our compassion MUST be extended to these individuals. They want to believe the easier teachings. Some will find teachers who say that there are exceptions --- but are they just finding someone to scratch their itchy ears? And those that are comfortable in their existing relationships: do they need to seek repentance from God?
Many feel that this too harsh. How can we expect people to go for the rest of their natural lives without the companionship of a spouse? What about love? But let's face it -- There are people right now who are giving up their actual lives for Christ. There are people who are sacrificing their jobs, their friends, their extended families, their comfort, their hobbies... what sacrifice is "too much"? Jesus Christ sacrificed His life for us. Can anyone really say that staying unmarried is too much of a sacrifice?
BUT WHAT ABOUT "EXCEPT FOR FORNICATION"?
Upon careful examination of the texts in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, we see "except for fornication" in only one of the discussions written for us.
And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read, that He which made them at the beginning, made them male and female. And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder. " They said unto Him, "Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?" He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, suffered you to put away [apoluo] your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away [apoluo] his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commiteth adultery and whoso marrieth her which is put away [apoluo] doth commit adultery." -Matthew 19:4-9
And he saith unto them, "Whosoever shall put away [apoluo] his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away [apoluo] her husband and be married to another, she commits adultery." --Mark 10:11,12
So did Jesus contradict Himself? Or in Matthew saying there was an exception to the rule of God? Perish the thoughts. In Matthew 19:9, Jesus is merely stating a fact. That if your spouse commits fornication (or sexual immorality), then they have ALREADY made each of you adulterers. Married people are one flesh. 1 Cor 6:16 states
"Or do you not know that he who is joined [kollao] a harlot is one body with her? For "the two," He says, "shall become one flesh."
Jesus is saying that if you divorce your spouse and marry another you will be an adulterer, UNLESS THAT SPOUSE HAS ALREADY MADE YOU BOTH ADULTERERS WITH THEIR INFIDELITY. Additionally, the poor person who marries the cheating spouse becomes an adulterer because that spouse is STILL MARRIED IN GOD'S EYES! ("Kollao" means "cleaved.")
It is very hard for us to believe that God would not allow divorce in the case of a wronged spouse. Our society bristles at the thought of the betrayal. How painful a situation to go through! Yet, God had Hosea marry a prostitute. And God has a thing for forgiveness. We are the Bride of Christ and look how many times He has forgiven us our sins! God would prefer that the married individuals work it out with forgiveness at the core. Who are we to say what God will use for good?
It is a hard teaching. And that is why the disciples bristled at it and commented that if that was the way it was going to be, it is better to never marry.
WHAT IF THE SPOUSE DIES?
Romans 7:1-3 states it very simply:
Do you not know, brothers -- for I am speaking to men who know the law -- that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives? For example, by law a married woman is bound [deo] to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released [katargeo] from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released [eleutheros] from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
If your spouse dies, you can remarry and you will not be an adulterer. "Until death do us part" is in every marriage vow. "Katargeo" means abolish, cease, loose. The remaining spouse is loosed from the law of marriage. "Eleutheros" also means free, exempt, not bound.
1 Corinthians 7:27,28 has more to say about this:
"Art thou bound [deo] to a wife? Seek not to be loosed [lusis]. Art thou loosed [lusis] from a wife? Seek not a wife. But and if thou marries, thou hast not sinned. And if a virgin marry, she has not sinned. Nevertheless, such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I spare you."
The apostle Paul was saying very simply that if you are bound, ("deo": tied, knitted) to a wife, do not seek to be untied ("lusis": divorced, released, loosed.) If you are untied (and how does that happen biblically? As we have already stated: only through death) you should not seek a wife. But if you DO marry, it is not a sin. And if you marry someone who previously was not married, you are not causing her to sin. But Paul states that you will have trouble in this union and his advice is merely to spare you from the trouble. What trouble he does not say--- perhaps just the strain the memory of a beloved deceased spouse can have on a marriage? But I do not wish to insert something into the text that is not there--- where the scriptures are silent, we are best to stay silent.
WHAT ABOUT IN CASES OF ABUSE?
Earlier, in the very same chapter of 1 Corinthians, Paul discusses this. In 1 Cor 7:10-11 he states:
"And unto the married I command, YET NOT I, BUT THE LORD, Let not the wife depart [chorizo] from her husband: But and if she depart [chorizo], let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away [aphiemi] his wife." (emphasis mine)
Clearly, Paul is saying, under the authority from the Lord, that the wife is not to depart from her husband, but if (for what reasons we can only imagine) she does, she is to remain unmarried or seek reconciliation with her husband. Scripture here permits a wife to leave a marriage. Again, not to insert into Holy writ, but perhaps in the case of abuse? And the husband is not to divorce his wife if she leaves.
For clarification: The word used here "depart" in the Greek is "chorizo," which means "separate." Not divorce. The word "put away" in the Greek is "aphiemi," which means leave, send away, divorce. Previously discussed here in Mark and Matthew, the word for divorce was "apolou," meaning "depart, dismiss, divorce." Both apolou and aphiemi come from the same root word that is "apo" which, as a prefix, means a cessation, reversal, departure.
WHAT ABOUT UNBELIEVING SPOUSES?
Here it is very important to delve into the original language. I suggest ESword.com. You can download a remarkable FREE study source that has a great word-by-word dictionary and Strong's concordance.
I preface this to say that a professing Christian, a true-believing follower of Jesus Christ, must never marry an unbeliever. A Christian does not belong even dating an unbeliever. One could argue that a believer does not belong even being close friends with an unbeliever. Yes, we need to preach the Word to the lost but the Word of God is very strong in not being unevenly yoked. Yoking is when one is linked, joined, united or connected together. Very simply, like when animals are yoked together to plow a field. The yoke is a bar or frame of wood that is put over two animals' necks to keep them together. 2 Corinthians 6:14 is clear:
"Do not be unevenly yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and lawlessness have in common? What fellowship has light with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?"
We need to be teaching our children this Biblical basic. There should be absolutely no compromise. If you saw your child slipping into any other sin, you would intervene. You would do everything you could to prevent them from taking a path into a sin-filled existence. Dating an unbeliever is just as dangerous as dabbling in any other sin. We need to make that clear to our children. We need to set unmovable standards for the protection of our children's future.
But what happens if a person comes to the Lord already married and their spouse does not? Should they divorce the unbelieving spouse?
First, let's note that the word "bound" in the last scripture's examples here is "deo" in the Greek. It means to bind, to tie, to knit. In some marriage ceremonies, the couple has their hands tied together to illustrate this concept. Pretty, right? I love the thought that I am knit together with my husband. Of course, something knit could be unraveled. Something tied could be untied. And the Bible states that the only way it is done is by death. Again, "until death do us part" is in every marriage vow.
But now, back to 1 Corinthians 7. After the discussion about a woman leaving a spouse, the apostle is now clear that leaving under the reasoning of the spouse's unbelief is not an option for a Christian.
But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother has a wife that believes not, and she is pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away [aphiemi]. And the woman which has a husband that believes not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him [aphiemi]. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband. Else were your children unclean; but now they are holy. (1 Corinthians 7:12-14)
Here Paul is saying that HIS advice to those with unbelieving spouses is that you should not leave or put away your spouse since because of God's involvement in the believer's life, the unbeliever will be affected positively toward sanctification-- as will your children! Both words translated "leave" and "put away" here are "aphiemi"--- leave, send away, "divorce." And since we do not know what will begin to lead an unbeliever to the throne of Christ, remember 1 Peter 3:1 :
Likewise, ye wives, be in Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands, so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
So what if the unbeliever says they want out of the marriage? Tired of the "God stuff." Not wanting to be subjected to prayers at meals or bedtimes. Definitely not wanting to put up with going to church. In fact, probably trying to force the believer to stop with all the nonsense, for crying out loud! What then?
1 Corinthians 7:15 states:
But if the unbelieving depart [chorizo], let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage [douloo] in such cases: but God has called us to peace.If the unbeliever departs-- chorizo in the Greek: place room between or separate -- the believer is to allow it. They are not bound to force the unbeliever to stay. God has called us to peace.
The important distinction here is that the word "bound" is not the word previously used so beautifully in regards to a marriage. This word in the Greek is "douloo" which means bondage, enslaved, servant. It is to indicate that one make a slave of or reduce to bondage. Now, we can do this ourselves, willingly, as we believers do to Christ. But here Paul is showing that being married to an unbeliever is like being enslaved. You are bound as well as any other married person, but this time it is not pretty.
And it does not mean you are loosed from the marriage and able to remarry as one is when their spouse dies. It only means you are not subjected to the negative influence of your unbelieving spouse. God has called us to peace.
WHAT IF YOU WERE DIVORCED BEFORE YOU WERE SAVED?
CAN YOU REMARRY NOW?
Many people use the argument that you are a "new man" in Christ once you are saved, and that is very true. But in this case, you are a "new but previously divorced man." One does not escape the consequences of our past except in the realm of the eternal. If you are on death row for murdering someone and you get saved, you will still be put to death. God has forgiven you for the sin, the earthly consequences still remain. If one contracts HIV and now has advanced AIDS, yet gets saved, barring a healing miracle from the Lord this person will still most likely die. Salvation alters our eternal destination and begins a sanctification process but does not erase the consequences from our past. The divorced person is still divorced. If they repent of their sin of divorcing their spouse, they will be forgiven-- Hallelujah! But they are still divorced and cannot remarry.
WHAT IF YOU WERE DIVORCED and
REMARRIED BEFORE YOU WERE SAVED?
This is a delicate issue. Some denominations would have the couple separate. It is true that you cannot walk in darkness, willingly stay in a lifestyle of sin, and walk with God. 1 John 1:6 puts this very clearly:
If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth.
However, being married is not a sin. Marriage is a covenant of God between a man and a wife. If a person has divorced-- this is a sin. If a person has remarried after a divorce-- this is a sin.
There must be realization of these transgressions and sincere repentance to God for these sins. Then God is just to forgive the sinner. The situation now would be a married person who was forgiven for previously divorcing and remarrying. The person has been forgiven for the transgressions and may walk in grace in the second marriage, since marriage itself is not a sin. Obviously, divorcing a second marriage would be yet another sin!
There are two passages of scripture that can give comfort to those in this situation. The first is Jesus speaking with the woman at the well in the fourth chapter of the Gospel of John. Jesus is at the well with the Samaritan woman and in verse 18 tells her that He knows the man she is currently living with cannot be called a husband. She is not married to him, yet she's been married five times previously. Jesus illustrates He knows the difference between living together and a marriage by saying this. The second is in all of the synoptic gospels (Mark 10, Luke 16, and Matthew 19): Jesus says if one divorces and marries another, it's adultery. But notice: Jesus says "marries." Jesus Himself calls it a marriage. You are now married -- a union between a man, a woman and God. After asking for forgiveness, walk in the beauty of marriage.
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In conclusion, we must remember that this life is but a fleeting moment in eternity. To tell someone that they must remain celibate is a hard teaching. But better to pluck out one's eye, than have two eyes in hell. To tell someone that they need to work on a terrible marriage and seek God for restoration when it would be easier to just erase the marriage and start over is a hard teaching. But there is nothing impossible for God. To allow God to work and show His glory through these circumstances is what the believer ought to be striving for. Not for easy justifications for the things we desire. Please pour out compassion on those caught in the worldly web. But also pour out truth.
The subject comes up again and again: marriage, divorce and remarriage in the Christian church. Our hearts break for those who find themselves in a terrible situation. But are we to react as the world reacts or as Jesus would? Jesus had compassion towards the adulterous woman, but told her to "go and sin no more." We should have compassion, yes, but we are helping no one if we go along with the world and merely tell people what they want to hear. We need to speak the truth in love. We cannot sit by and watch others fall into this trap.
